Armaggedon's coming!

• I have consulted the Oracles (well, my Oracle pup at least).
• I’ve tossed the Warlock bones (some just can’t be saved OK… I’m a great believer in “waste not, want not”, so I have a side business flogging wards of protection from Locks to desperate, but dim witted Warriors).
• I’ve read and reread the entries and I am unhappy to say that the winner isn’t a Gnome!

However, while this race my not be playable for a few months yet, I can see that they have the makings of great Wizards.

So, without further ado, the winner of The Footsteps of Illidan loot code is…

Actually… Twisted Nether Blogcast live as this post goes live (8pm).. so you could go listen to that right…?

Nazzle’s Shady Grotto Rehabilitation Clinic

Realizing there was a market for rehabilitating Warlocks that was largely unexploited, the beneficent goblin Nazzle decided to step in to help with this problem at a large profit for himself. For maximum effectiveness and profitability we follow the three S’es: Security, Speed, and Profit.

To cover security, we chose a remote cave system to house our facilities, and caved in the entrance. The only way in or out is through a portal, so escape is much cheaper to prevent. We also reverse-engineered the Summoning prevention system used at Tempest Keep on the off chance that one of our patients manages to bribe another Warlock.

We also have a deal with the Sha’tari Skyguard for specially trained Nether Ray’s to inhibit spell casting, and in extreme cases provide shock therapy.

For speed we have a specially designed “10 Steps to Freedom” program.

Step 1 - Bag and Demon Removal

We do this to ensure our patient will not have access to soul shards, remove their dependency on Demons, and help cut all ties to their old Warlock way of life. This process usually requires some force, but any damage done will just make Step 2 that much quicker. Part of our Nether Ray training is specifically designed to prevent Imp summoning as well, and all our patients are accompanied by at least three Nether Rays at all times.

Step 2 – Death

Warlocks rarely go long without a soul stone, and the quickest way to remove this is death. It may sound cruel, but we have trained healers on call to provide resurrection if necessary. Tough love is much quicker and effective, and time is money.

Step 3 – Fire

Fire has a cleansing effect in nature, and even Druids approve it’s controlled use in forests to clear brush and rejuvenate the area. At NSGRC we use fire as a form of rehabilitation. It’s used extensively in Step 2, and we use fire spells as a link crossing the gap between Warlock and Mage. We have counseling sessions where our patients are allowed to decimate target dummies with fire spells. These sessions are lead by Mages and are used to train our patients some of their first Mage spells. Accidents do happen, and our healers are well trained in treating burns.

Step 4 – Food/Water

Our patients are only allowed to eat and drink what they can conjure themselves. This does lead to some dehydration and starvation, but fasting is used by many races throughout Azeroth to clear the mind. This also cuts down our costs, and increases profitability. Our on-call healers do provide resurrection when necessary.

Step 5 – Falling

When choosing our location we ensured that an area would be available for Slow Fall training without taxing our overworked healers. The 50 foot waterfall works nicely, and the pool at the bottom catches the slow learners. Some of our patients are a bit hesitant about jumping, but a little shock from our Nether Rays is more than enough to get them over the edge. We have a Water Elemental in the pool at the bottom to provide an icy incentive to learn quickly, and provide an introduction to Step 6.

Step 6 – Ice

Besides the waterfall pool, we also have several Water Elementals employed in a refrigeration cave. After several sessions with our fire counsellors from Step 3, our patients tend be enthusiastic about attending a session that does not involve burning. This tends to be the most calming part of the rehabilitation as brain functions tend to slow down considerably at the temperature maintained in the refrigeration room. In order to cut down on frostbite, these sessions involve games of musical chairs with chairs made entirely of ice, and the loser being trained first hand on encasing themselves in an ice block.

Step 7 – Polymorph

Once a patient has demonstrated their ability to feed themselves, we transfer the feeding of their Nether Ray guards to them as well. Like all caves this one is home to a large contingent of Trogs, but Trogs are not one of a Nether Rays preferred foods. A simple polymorph however will provide the Nether Ray with edible food, and being awoken in the middle of the night by three hungry Nether Rays provides significant incentive to learning quickly.

Step 8 –  Blink

At this point in the program, the patient is eating regularly again and has the caloric energy to participate in our obstacle course. This course is specifically designed so Blink is required to complete it without falling down a crevasse or being caught by one of the more dangerous obstacles. Knowledge of fire and ice magic will also provide an edge on completing the course quickly and safely. These races are telecast so you can check up on your soon-to-be Mage friend, and of course we have goblins available to take bets on the outcome.

Step 9 – Arcane

The arcane Mages we have employed are rather secretive about their counseling methods, but with the results they have provided their requests for soundproofing and one way locks on the doors seem very reasonable. Their record for injuries is also lower than any other two sessions put together, and the few cases of partial polymorphation have all been adequately corrected.

Step 10 – Teleportation

This is the final step of the process, and ensures that our service is guaranteed. Patients are not permitted to leave until they can teleport themselves out.  After our therapists have deemed the patients ready to return to society, all therapy sessions are doubled and sleep is forbidden.

Our Profit is your guarantee!

Profit is always a part of any Goblin enterprise and NSGRC is no exception. For the low price of just 20,000 gold we include an exclusive restraint and pick up service. Our ten step program is guaranteed to turn any Warlock into a functioning member of society as a Mage.

For legal purposes NSGRC is classified as a prison, but please remember we treat all our patients with the utmost care. Our legal status just allows us to rehabilitate our patients that much more quickly and cheaply than the competition.

So please tell your friends, but please keep Warlocks in dark.

The element of surprise is a very effective therapy tool.

Thanks for your time,

Jesse <– THE WINNER!

Ummmm.. thanks for MY time?

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME!

What an awesome entry amongst entries… there was a certain Lock that nearly pulled it off.. you know, knowledge from the inside… maybe I’ll post that… maybe she wants to post it herself…

However, I hereby announce that Jesse is the All-Azerothian Rehab specialist.  I’ll contact you shortly with the loot code.

To be completely honest, I think the real winners today are the Mages, the once-were-Locks and, of course me!

New day, same time – 8pm PDT TUESDAYS!

Special thanks to Fimlys and the Twisted Nether Blogcast for helping me out with this one.  I hope that Nibuca was there and managed to read this out.. please tell me she did… please…

Ohhh… what about the screenshots CC’d Locks… I know who… you will tomorrow!

Yeah, I know, that’s kinda cruel… but rubbing shoulders with Locks during their treatment does that.

Of course if they were (or are) listening to TNB Live, they would/will know!

Gnomer and Out!

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 Unported License.

http://gnomeaggedon.net/2010/05/19/we-have-a-winner-10-step-warlock-rehab-program/