So I got asked this question the other day in a comment.
I have to assume that it’s a serious question as this is a serious blog… right?
So I’m going to give you my Magely view on what a Warlock is, and all being well, we might get a response from my Nymesis, a warlock that’s done his time in rehab, seen the light and run screaming at it.
What a Warlock is NOT.
They are not Mages!
They are jealous individuals without a natural affinity to magic. Think of your little brother that can’t do math, therefore doesn’t get your parents praise, doesn’t get the teachers praise and definitely doesn’t win any awards for arithmetic.
If only I could be powerful and love like Gnomeaggedon!
But that doesn’t happen. Scorned by family and friends, ignored by the family pet, shunned by even apprentice Mage trainers, they are shallow, hollow, wannabes.
They are not Hunters!
Physically weak, they don’t have the stamina to take a few punches while delivering a wingclip. Not strong enough to pull a bow, or cock a rifle. They aren’t even dexterous enough to dual wield.
Did I mention they are ignored by the family pet? Yeah, not even sooty the cat, singed during their magely siblings toddler experiments will willingly associate with a Warlock.
An actual full sized beast as a pet? lol, that would rip them limb from limb rather than being seen in public with a Warlock.
A Warlock is…
Someone so unloved, so scorned, so pathetic and incapable of power themselves that they turn to the Devil for their powers in an act of both pure desperation and envy at the fact that everyone, including their brain damaged half-brother that can be a warrior, even the pathetic house Goblin has the noise to make the family rich at the Auction House, everyone – EVERYONE but them can be SOMEOME that can do SOMETHING.
Actually, I take that back.
Not even the Devil himself will lend powers to those so utterly lacking in abilities themselves. No, they must turn to demons,, the lowest minions of the lowest hells in an attempt to source power “of their own”.
Whorelocks
They are commonly referee to as whorelocks. People that sell their souls on the street at night to briefly gain that ecstasy born of magical powers.
No, another correction.
Warlocks don’t even have the balls to sell their own souls on the street, they trade in the souls of others, often lesser creatures. Lesser creatures that my 3 year old son could defeat with one arm tied behind his back, purely through the use of words.
(Don’t ever start a conversation with Odin unless you have a few spare hours… might be best if you stat the night, because he will want to continue the conversation in the morning, and I can’t afford the phone bill when he insists he talks to you over the phone)
So these Warlocks, bereft of love, bereft of powers, bereft of anything at all of worth to be honest, start down the lonely path (honestly, how many friends can Warlocks actually call friends – minions don’t count – they run off at the 1st opportunity.)
How do they get these powers?
You know they don’t have them themselves.
- They suck others dry.
- They slice tender pieces of out souls from our beautiful, power filled bodies.
- They drain, drain, drain… (ever had a conversation with a Warlock?)
- Their pets drain, drain, drain (I thought puppies were meant to be loving, to give love, not drain the happiness buffs we love so much)
- They burn…
- They curse…
They give…
Ohhh do they?
You think this is an expression of love and confidence?
A Mage will say:
If you love somebody, set them free.
If they return, they were always yours.
If they don’t, they never were.
That’s why we open portals when we are asked. We are confident that others love us for who we are. We have no fear about sending someone to the other side of the earth. No! Chances are we will get a request moments later for us to come to them once again and bring them home.
Warlocks… Warlock can’t stand the thought of someone getting away, so where Mages set you free, Warlocks summon you to their feet to grovel and thank them profusely – Ohhh yeah, they expect, nay, demand the grovelling!
They probably used a slice of your soul to get you there too!
They are worse than dirty old men in the park.
Boiled lollies – Lock Candy…
Spot the difference… No, me neither.
Hello dear companion. Here’s a lolly… You will love me now.
YOU WILL LOVE ME NOW!
My forsaken life > Your wonderful, useful life
Ever noticed that in a party your neighborhood Lock is in two minds about who gets the Rez stone…
Lock… Healer…
Lock… Healer…
Lock… Healer…
It’s only peer pressure that ensures the healer gets the stone. Left to their own devices, Warlocks would rather that the party wipes and runs back to the instance, while they pop their rock and stand about tapping their cloven hooves.
Even when they give into the peer pressure, understand they have given in. Their only reason for doing so is to avoid the ghost run, but they want to appear generous and loving.
Don’t pop that Rez stone trying to prevent a wipe! The warlock will curse you if you can’t Rez out of combat and bring them back to life.
Wayward children.
At the end of the day, Warlocks are wayward children. Some can be saved through intensive bouts of rehab. They enter nasty self-centered Warlocks and come out fledgling, but pure, Mages or Hunters.
Don’t give up hope on them folks. Everyone deserves a chance, even those significantly less talented than us, yes even Warlocks deserve the opportunity to see the error of their ways, to go cold turkey, to come clean, leaving their dark desperate ways behind them and head towards the light of Dalaran.
All we are saying…
Is give Locks a chance…
Gnomer and Out!
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http://gnomeaggedon.net/2010/04/29/what-exactly-is-a-warlock/
LOL, I must say my bf has a lock alt and he dislikes it for some indescribable reason despite it being really easy to level up. Must be his mage blood =P
I think it’s the reek. A week of scrubbing can’t get it out of your skin
Someday we’re going to find your super-secret warlock alt that you’ve leveled to 80.
lol
Nothing supersecret about my Lock. She’s sweet 17… Seduced by an old Orc with Candy… Now hiding out on the outskirts of Stormwind.
As often happens in rehab, Nymesis nearly convinced me to get back on the souljuice
Luckily I still have a bag full of chocolates left over from nooblegarden.
Mages have been pretty slow and weak with their comebacks as of late haven’t they?
Slow?
Maybe, but then why react immediately to every gnat that comes your way, when one swipe can take out dozens…
Weakly… You see we Mages have incredible control of our powers, why use Comeback(13) when even a lowly rank Comeback(1) will suffice?
Click the portal, I have candy.
Or as Pie says…
“I have candy, get in my soul bag!”
I concur with this post…we have concurrance!
Be warned… Saresa has rebuttals… Protect your concurrance!
Well, i think you just accurately described why i wont play a mage. Thanks!
/lock4life
It’s hard when you are in the grip of candy addiction. Fear not! (Ohh lord, terrible pin), we can save your bag of souls!
Funny you should say that, I levelled my warlock from 5 to 50 on Bloodthistle almost the whole time
Very much worth the read. I could read this ten more times and still find myself laughing. Great post.
this was an unexpected, delicious post. i hope archmage pants gives you a promotion because of it!
I rushed it out for you.
How is Archmage Pants’ hospital for the criminally Warlocked going…
Has he recovered from the recent Lock infestation?
Meh….you both wear dresses.
But it’s what we wear (or don’t) under them that sets us apart!
yuck….little, flowered gnome panties…
So it’s true?
Warlocks are jealous and try to be what they’re not?
You say Warlocks aren’t Hunters. I agree. They’re pale imitations of the greatest race in the game.
You say Warlocks cannot have a pet. True enough.
Yet you still enslave minions so you can attempt to have a warped version of the bond Hunters have with their pets.
Maybe instead of trying to be what you’re not. You should focus on what you are.. Oh yeah.. you can’t..
Everything you are is a pale imitation of the real thing.
So take heed everyone. Listen to the Gnome. Instead of rolling a copy-cat class. Roll an original.
Want a loving bond with your pet and be able to do massive damage from afar? Then roll Hunter! Truly the best class in the game!
I think you mean 2nd best class in the game
Sent from my iPhone
Which do you love the most?
a) kiwis
b) warlocks
c) new zealand warlocks
Gotta love my Kiwi Bro’s
I could almost forgive them for rolling locks… At least I know where they get their shards…
In fact we nearly have a symbiotic relationship…
Mages make sheep & the kiwi’s… Umm do is this blog still kid friendly… I’ll let you fill in the rest…
/taps every reply
/drains every soul
/mwahahahahahaha
you mages are jealous that we locks can run around killing killing killing, don’t even need to stop, while you have to stop and make yourself vulnerable.
you wish you can drain lives of others, as something breathes on you wrong and you die, as we warlocks laugh evily as your pathetic dying cries fill us with delicious life and power.
you wish you could summon minions to do your bidding, have demons at your beck and call. you wish it so badly that some of you enslaved inferior water elementals, but even those don’t wish to stay with you, disappearing when they can.
you wish you could look this good in a robe, but you never will..
eat my fel candy, you know you are addicted to it, part with your soul you know – you cannot resist it, envy my power and grovel at my feet and maybe just maybe I’ll let my demon share some of that power with you.
Poor deluded Locks… The souls cloud your hearts and minds… Yes in TBC, when Locks where closest to their suppliers, they were powerful.
Those days have gone, you are up to a 20 soul shard a day habit and get no joy out of that.
That’s OK, we understand. That’s why the rehab clinics are popping up all over Northrend.
As for enslaving elemental… I’m sure my Frosty friends will put you straight. They don’t need the souls of the happy happy to summon the soulless.
No, they conjure their Frosty companions from thin air using the power that only a Mage can truely wield.
In fact, they have become so good at this that now their conjurings are permanent.
Warlocks grind souls and summon…
Hunters throw sticks and tame…
Mages… CREATE!
So that’s what those guys are. Thanks!!
A pleasure… hopefully question answered in full
Someone who looks kind of like a Mage, but is being completely awesome? That’s a Warlock.
The guy that made the Mage conjure him food, only to let it rot in his backpack? That’s a Warlock.
When the Mage is running away from his enemies, but another person has enemies running away from HIM? That’s a Warlock.
People use portals to get as far away from a Mage as possible, but the guy everyone wants to be closer to? That’s a Warlock.
When the whole group relies on the healer, but there’s someone the healer relies on for backup? That’s a Warlock.
Someone so obviously better than you that you’re intimidated by his presence? That’s a Warlock.
Sounds like a recruitment slogan for a lost cause!
Northrend Needs You!
Roll a Warlock!
(because they are in short supply)
Oh Gnomer! Thank you for the laugh. I will still be flinging curses and corruptions at you while laughing maniacally as you waste GCDs to remove the curse that I can instantly put back on you.
Ahh the beauty of your life replenishing mine.
I think I will life tap in front of a mage during those really long, mana-intensive fights while he is crying for an innervate or mana totem.
I giggle every time too
Meh… We don’t cry for mana – we find within ourselves!
Glad I gave you a laugh!
You forgot to mention how they hang around graveyards at night reading badly written poetry, covered in white makeup and black eyeliner while cutting themselves and dreaming about getting tattoos!
I didn’t mention it because…
“That’s just a phase they are going through”
Except for The Mighty Jingles. He scares me.
Isn’t everyone afraid of The Mighty Jingles?
You mean all these soul stones I have collected don’t count as friends?
HOW DARE YOU!
Of course they do… for those without friends…
I prefer my friends to be living & breathing…
Breathing friends are SO passe’
I approve of this post.
A Mage will say:
What kind of peace loving, trash talking is that? Now I know why your ‘Lock is still sitting at 17, your still not evil enough. I TRUE lock would say something like:
But lets be frank, a lock would never, could never love anyone.
Love my soul, love my hearthstone?
Yeah the above was me, I was pretty much still asleep and forgot to fill in my name. /fail
That’s ok, we understand it’s a long road to recovery
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Aaaawwwww how cute… NOT!
[...] What Exactly is a Warlock? [...]
Oooh, but, good sir, it seems you have never had the extended pleasure of dining on souls. They are delicacies, to be sure, and made even more tender with a solid helping of mage tears harvested from an evenings worth of battlegrounds.
The sheer, unabiding glee that overcomes me whenever I see that incoming frostbolt or arcane barrage interrupted with a timely Shadowfury or Fear, it almost makes me wish I weren’t evil so I could bounce like a giddy female NElf. But then I remember how much fun evil is, and I proceed to rip out said mage’s soul. I usually put them in the bottom of my Abyssal Bag because otherwise I can hear them complaining about how a warlock is beating them on the dps ladder. /sigh, but its all worth it when I burn that particular shard summoning Greedrom, my mage-killer. The irony tastes almost as good a fel stone from a freshly dropped soulwell. Almost.
I suppose the point I’m driving at is that its ok to be jealous. Knowing that something will always be more powerful than you is what makes you keep trying to be better. We are the pinnacle of caster perfection, followed closely by our shadowy priest brethren. Mages come in a distant third, but take heart! You are at least better than those half-breed hillbillies with their guns and bows….i think they’re called hunters.
You my poor deluded Lock have been inhaling the fumes from your soul stones for far too long.
Sure, you have managed to absorb the brilliance exhibited by your victims, yet it it not the Pure Brilliance of one that follows the pure magical arts, such as:
Murloc Parliament: Weighing in on the Mage vs Lock debate
PS: Awesome comment!
Feel free to attend this Gnome’s Lock Rehab clinic any time!
I love the smell of Soulstones in the morning…smells like…victory…
*twitch*
P.S. Thanks! I’ll probably crash the party =P
I don`t see the reason for the serius hate towards warlocks…i have 3 80s none of which are a warlock currently leveling my warlock hes level 73 named deathofyo on shadowsong, you spend a lot of time “bashing” warlock class based on a few things like they are unloved and have turned to the darkness. some of which is true but you act like it isnt common knowledge. Warlocks are lost looking for something to make them feel empowered the same happend with arathas after he killed the originial lich king the only diffrence is arathas found a massively corrupt sword and warlocks found demonic magic. why are you not bashing Lk or the welfare class Death knights?!!??!?!?!
Hate?
Bashing?
I’m not hating on the Locks, neither am I bashing them.
On the contrary.
I have introduces a strict rehab plan to save those poor lost souls.
When they rebel, we put them in fluffy white woolen straight jackets.
We plan out a 10 step path to rehab.
As for the Lich King. He gets beaten on by thousands daily. When defeated his tin cap and plastic sword are taken from him and given to one who knows better.
DK’s… They are victims. Victims of the Lich King, victims of our society that can’t understand that their great power has cone from great loss.
Warlocks… are not victims. They take souls both for power and for pleasure. Just read the vitriol about murdering Mages.
No hate here… Only love!
BTW: The Mage v Lock war has long and deep roots.
In Vanilla Locks were an afterthought.
In TBC Mages were relegated to food vendor machines by Locks.
That was when the real hate existed.
What we have now is a friendly rivalry, love as we Mages see it, for those once like us, but stolen from the light by the demons. (but it never hurts to taunt your ancient foes)
At 73, there is still hope for you. The demons haven’t complete control of your soul.
Come to the light dear child
their is a lot of hate and bashing in your article you talk down on them like their some kind of underprivleged class they are not just the lore behind warlocks is that of as you say victims of our society that can’t understand that their great power i dont hate mages i just hate ignorant ones who bash locks
I fear if you can’t handle the long standing (and generally humerous) ribbing that Locks & Mages give each other at level 73, you will be in tears at 80.
There is a reason that Locks I have never seen or heard of before are joining in this silliness, even writing birthday Odes to Krizzlybear and myself.
The Mage v Lock war adds a little spice to what are otherwise two plain DPS characters.
It’s what you make out of the game that matters. If you can’t gently rib your mates and group members, then there will be little fun in the game.
Just quietly… Between you & I, I have a lock of my own… In fact have written quite extensive guides on developing the nastiest Locks around… The TwinkLock.
About warlocks Life Tapping to gain mana back during long fights, let me tell you healers hate this. I hate grouping with warlocks who Life tap without consideration for healer’s mana. Some ..tards, even Life Tap to near death (talk about suicidal locks). They are selfish high maintenance DPS class, as a healer I’d rather have a mage who gives me intellect and food (mana biscuits/water) in groups, than a warlock who doesn’t drink and expects you to heal their life tap even in the middle of a stressful bad pull. Some locks even dare to tank mobs by using hellfire.
And besides, no matter what level Mages pull bigger DPS than Locks. I have levelled mages and a lock, i have a top Mage in endgame, when it comes to damage meters, I always leave locks in the dust. Among the pure dps classes, the top 3 are Mages, Hunters, Rogues, (in any order– depends on the player) the ones trailing behind are warlocks, I’d say they are on par with the hybrids.
For those warlocks who don’t believe me, try levelling a warlock again and level using the dungeon finder tool, you will always be outdpsed by Mages. And at the endgame, I’m sure most mages out there out dps you in most fights.
Healers love mages more. When i play my healer, I’d rather have intellect and mana drinks than soulstone -(because a good run doesn’t need one). I’d rather have a low maintenance top performing dps.
In short Mages >>> warlocks, just look at warcraft lore.
Hellfire tanking??? I’ve never even heard of this in my year of warlocking…
Life Tapping is a tricky art to master, and it sounds like you’ve had the misfortune of running with a few warlocks who do it when standing in fire, void zones, DnD, molasses…what have you. However, the good ones (and we are out there ;D), if unfamiliar with the healer, will only hit it once or twice at a time. But if you ever join a raiding guild that runs with a warlock regularly, just ask him or to call, “*Warlock’s name here* doing my lock thing!” Then you know to drop a few HoTs or a couple heals on that king of caster dps to keep them in the fight. But Life Tap is our only means of getting mana back short of stacking mp5, and what respectable warlock does that? So you should not only be ready for it, but expect it.
On a personal note, I regularly raid with a mage, hunter and a rogue who are better geared than I, and I always come out tops in overall damage done and dps =)
I recently leveled my Warlock to 80, and was almost always the top dps. Beaten sometimes by on-par gear & level toons, subjetc to the mechanics of the fight. Trouble I see is that a lot of Warlocks level Demo, which imho is a huge mistake. Destro is far stronger, and the Voidwalker can’t hold threat of a Destro lock, so just use him as bait and multi-pull.
talk about the top caster dps in game right now.
pls. check this article warlocks
ICC DPS analysis by spec
and be humbled
@ maccabeus
you must be playing with those 3 pure dps classes who are not on top of their game, they should own you if they are better geared than you, even when lesser geared than you it’s possible. Maybe you are just talking about trash dps, yeah sure, sometimes warlocks top that.
even the worldoflogs says it all, mages are the best dps caster
Mage out.
[...] like Gnomeggedon and Saresa are fighting over which is superior in the world of caster DPS. Gnomeggedon advocating [...]
Mages = Like a Warlock, but without the food & whine. They just get it done, at whatever cost.
Nice post man.