So I got asked this question the other day in a comment.
I have to assume that it’s a serious question as this is a serious blog… right?
So I’m going to give you my Magely view on what a Warlock is, and all being well, we might get a response from my Nymesis, a warlock that’s done his time in rehab, seen the light and run screaming at it.
What a Warlock is NOT.
They are not Mages!
They are jealous individuals without a natural affinity to magic. Think of your little brother that can’t do math, therefore doesn’t get your parents praise, doesn’t get the teachers praise and definitely doesn’t win any awards for arithmetic.
If only I could be powerful and love like Gnomeaggedon!
But that doesn’t happen. Scorned by family and friends, ignored by the family pet, shunned by even apprentice Mage trainers, they are shallow, hollow, wannabes.
They are not Hunters!
Physically weak, they don’t have the stamina to take a few punches while delivering a wingclip. Not strong enough to pull a bow, or cock a rifle. They aren’t even dexterous enough to dual wield.
Did I mention they are ignored by the family pet? Yeah, not even sooty the cat, singed during their magely siblings toddler experiments will willingly associate with a Warlock.
An actual full sized beast as a pet? lol, that would rip them limb from limb rather than being seen in public with a Warlock.
A Warlock is…
Someone so unloved, so scorned, so pathetic and incapable of power themselves that they turn to the Devil for their powers in an act of both pure desperation and envy at the fact that everyone, including their brain damaged half-brother that can be a warrior, even the pathetic house Goblin has the noise to make the family rich at the Auction House, everyone – EVERYONE but them can be SOMEOME that can do SOMETHING.
Actually, I take that back.
Not even the Devil himself will lend powers to those so utterly lacking in abilities themselves. No, they must turn to demons,, the lowest minions of the lowest hells in an attempt to source power “of their own”.
They are commonly referee to as whorelocks. People that sell their souls on the street at night to briefly gain that ecstasy born of magical powers.
No, another correction.
Warlocks don’t even have the balls to sell their own souls on the street, they trade in the souls of others, often lesser creatures. Lesser creatures that my 3 year old son could defeat with one arm tied behind his back, purely through the use of words.
(Don’t ever start a conversation with Odin unless you have a few spare hours… might be best if you stat the night, because he will want to continue the conversation in the morning, and I can’t afford the phone bill when he insists he talks to you over the phone)
So these Warlocks, bereft of love, bereft of powers, bereft of anything at all of worth to be honest, start down the lonely path (honestly, how many friends can Warlocks actually call friends – minions don’t count – they run off at the 1st opportunity.)
How do they get these powers?
You know they don’t have them themselves.
- They suck others dry.
- They slice tender pieces of out souls from our beautiful, power filled bodies.
- They drain, drain, drain… (ever had a conversation with a Warlock?)
- Their pets drain, drain, drain (I thought puppies were meant to be loving, to give love, not drain the happiness buffs we love so much)
- They burn…
- They curse…
Ohhh do they?
You think this is an expression of love and confidence?
A Mage will say:
If you love somebody, set them free.
If they return, they were always yours.
If they don’t, they never were.
That’s why we open portals when we are asked. We are confident that others love us for who we are. We have no fear about sending someone to the other side of the earth. No! Chances are we will get a request moments later for us to come to them once again and bring them home.
Warlocks… Warlock can’t stand the thought of someone getting away, so where Mages set you free, Warlocks summon you to their feet to grovel and thank them profusely – Ohhh yeah, they expect, nay, demand the grovelling!
They probably used a slice of your soul to get you there too!
They are worse than dirty old men in the park.
Boiled lollies – Lock Candy…
Spot the difference… No, me neither.
Hello dear companion. Here’s a lolly… You will love me now.
YOU WILL LOVE ME NOW!
My forsaken life > Your wonderful, useful life
Ever noticed that in a party your neighborhood Lock is in two minds about who gets the Rez stone…
It’s only peer pressure that ensures the healer gets the stone. Left to their own devices, Warlocks would rather that the party wipes and runs back to the instance, while they pop their rock and stand about tapping their cloven hooves.
Even when they give into the peer pressure, understand they have given in. Their only reason for doing so is to avoid the ghost run, but they want to appear generous and loving.
Don’t pop that Rez stone trying to prevent a wipe! The warlock will curse you if you can’t Rez out of combat and bring them back to life.
At the end of the day, Warlocks are wayward children. Some can be saved through intensive bouts of rehab. They enter nasty self-centered Warlocks and come out fledgling, but pure, Mages or Hunters.
Don’t give up hope on them folks. Everyone deserves a chance, even those significantly less talented than us, yes even Warlocks deserve the opportunity to see the error of their ways, to go cold turkey, to come clean, leaving their dark desperate ways behind them and head towards the light of Dalaran.
All we are saying…
Is give Locks a chance…
Gnomer and Out!
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