Ages ago I wrote about how playing WoW was like bringing up kids.
This was from a class perspective and at the time I promised more.
Well here it is, from a Raid and Guild Leader perspective.
You’ve been waiting 10 minutes for your group to all be ready, that’s when you notice they are missing buffs.
Hair isn’t brushed, shoes aren’t polished, shirts hanging out. Another 10 minutes are required to get the group ready.
You level your cooking skill to max. You an make them any meal they want, and do.
You announce through raid warning (yelling at the top of your lungs), whisper (cell phone), guild forums (facebook), every way possible.
Yet it’s impossible to get them all to sit down and eat the dinner. There’s always one that turns up and asks:
buff food plz!
Everyone’s buff ready to go, but them you look closer. The buffs are all wrong. Some have Chocolate buff, others have buff of the Colonel, some have first love buff and are completely distracted.
Time to issue personal instructions on what is appropriate for a raid in your guild.
In the car ready to go, they you notice your teeage succubus is wearing “of the skank gear” and dual wielding “handbags of the Ho“.
Your warrior is wearing “Breastplate of Ozzie” yet the raid in the calendar is “visit conservative grandma” or “pray at the temple of pure souls”
Port for reagents/gear
The raids on the move, 1st pull down, on the road, nothing can stop you now… except for those dreaded words…
Wait Dad, I forgot my iPod/phone/assignment/[insert “essential must turn back now” item].
Chatting during boss kills
Battles underway, you have never had such a good start, then you notice that the raid isn’t focused. There is lots of extra chatter going on. Raid chat is streaming with all sorts of non essential chat. You get distracted, you die, raid wipes.
What happen in the movie just the Dad?
Grumble expletive I don’t know I couldn’t hear over your infernal racket!
Clearing vent of extraneous chatter
If only they would just shut up for a minute and listen to the raid instructions. Instead you find yourself shouting over the top of the hub bub, trying to get the one essential message through.
Are we there yet?
Everyone wants to go on the raid, but when progress is slower than expected the grumbling starts.
Can I have an ice cream.
So you have a clear route set out, but there is dissent in the ranks… Why can’t we take out boss 2 1st, can’t we do that trash to the left, they have something I need.
Dad, I need to go to the toilet.
Raid stops… You impatiently tap your feet awaiting the return of the party member only to have another go AFK moments before the return of the 1st.
Need you for groups
In the early levels they need you for groups.
Dad, come play this game with me.
Dad, take me to the sports day, my friends place, my …
They can’t do anything without your presence. No matter that you have set the night aside for your own personal grinding, they need you… NOW!
Never enough for a raid
No how much you breed, you always seem to be one short for a party.
- 5 man instance, need to breed more.
- 10 man instance, better pull in a couple more family guilds.
- 25 man raid, better pull in the family reunion guild.
Of course the worst part is you may have the numbers, but they are never the same level, or experience, so there is only one option… PuG.
Pug mates get the loot
Of course the problem with PuGs is that they always win the roll, or the sandwich, or the last can of coke from the fridge.
It’s great having them there, but it makes raiding so much more expensive and time consuming.
Off doing pugs
Before you know it, they are high enough level to do their own thing. You organize a family raid only to find the guild is bleeding members… Off to their mates for a run…
So that 5 course instance designed for 10 now goes to waste due to lack of members online.
Guild & Server transfers
So you’ve geared them up, paid for their training, run them through every life instance you can find… How do they repay you… /gquit
Yep, up they get, find a partner and start a guild of their own. They promise to catch up for joint guild runs, but there never seems to be the time… Especially since they are doing runs with their partner’s old guild.
Of course you do hear from them… But only when they are:
LF1M… Need Dad or Mum then GTG!
Every parents nightmare (well maybe not so much these days). One day they are loyal to the Alliance, next thing you know they are batting for the other side.
They assure you they were born that way, but you can’t help but feel you did something wrong at their lower levels.
You have been summoned by Dad.
This summons will expire in 2 minutes.
You go to all the trouble of getting everything ready, including throwing them a summons when the group is ready to roll… Yet somehow they miss the 1st summons, something came up during the 2nd summons and you find yourself running backwards and forwards just to summon them a third time.
When are they going to learn it’s their responsibility to be ready at the scheduled time?
Do not stand in/touch the fire!
Wet paint/ poison! Do not touch!
What is it that happens to them that they either blatantly ignore the instruction, or do the opposite?
You have a guild of drama lamas… You have a family of drama lamas.
They can’t settle a dispute by themselves, and when it starts it draws the whole guild in. There is a good chance that your guild won’t recover from one of these dramas.
You bought a TV for one member and not another? A new car for one, used for the other? You spent how much on their clothes/party/hair cut?
- Need to move house/school/jobs?
- Need to change the normal fun weekend into a dull family reunion?
Get prepared for the QQ!
You better get the latest T9 Nike boots, T9.5 FCUK chest piece and god forbid if you buy them generic tailored pants!
They need to be down at the Dalaran Mall, showing off their ePix at the mailbox. If their friends are better geared it will spell an expansion of embarrassment!
Threat meters? What are they?
Your raid group has just popped the hormone cooldown and there is no way they are going to slow down the DPS now.
If they get aggro, you better be ready to step in and taunt the angry peer/sibling/teacher/parent/shopkeeper off them.
They will gank anything that moves. School nerd, sibling, best friend, parent, teacher… anyone!
Of course they won’t stop there! Once they realize they have the advantage they will start the corpse camping, and you will have to deal with the formal guild complaints and loss of guild reputation.
Ignoring guild bank trash requests
No grays, weed(s), low level toons allowed in the guildbank (bedroom)!
Clean up the mess yourself!
Of course you will lose an hour of playtime every week cleaning up after them!
Early on it’s small requests on your personal characters funds. A new green item here, gold for training there…
Guild bank funds
Next thing you know their raiding the guild bank. Better schools, better mounts, toon twinking, respecs, 18th ding days, 21st ding days, new guild start up funds, new guild housing deposits.
Buying them a mount
Of course you need to buy them their 1st mount, it will make your life easier right?
What, they trashed their mount, need an epic mount, need money to pay for their cold weather flying?
Grinding their mats
Guess that means you better grind their mats, give them a leg up…
After all, they are busy grinding the levels, grinding the instances for new gear, grinding the necessary reputation, grinding the neighbor’s daughter…
Hang on… What?!?
Respecing/Grinding new classes
- At first they want to be a Fireman (Mage)
- Then they want to be a doctor (healer)
- Then they want to get a bit shady (Lock or Rogue)
- Then they realize how much they loved their Fireman.
Skinning and Leatherworking is the best way to make money…
Ohhh, no dad, maybe herbalism and Alchemy…
What? I can make my own enchanted Mechanohog? Dad I need to power level enchanting and Engineering!
They were your Main Tank, your pride and joy. They received all the best loot… Then one day, well middle of the night really, the /gquit and went off and joined that other, better, guild.
But that guild was full of drama, they weren’t appreciated for who they were.. They couldn’t lead the raids… So one day you get the discrete whisper asking if you will have them back.
Things have changed in your guild now, there is a new hierarchy, but you will never refuse them.
All you ask as that they read the strat so they are prepared when they turn up and can score 100%. Just like you are constantly telling them to read their Shakespeare before class… But it never happens.
Doing their homework
No instead you do the homework, you find out what gems they need, what enchants are best.
More likely than not they have offered you their password so you can do their dailies as well.
Bloody kids… Errr… I mean Raiders… I mean…
Well you know what I mean!
Gnomer and Out!
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