Armaggedon's coming!

Are you a WoW playing parent? Have you ever considered how transferable skills and terms from WoW are to parenthood?

Are you childless, but considering (or expecting) a family real soon?

I was chatting with Arrens this morning on Twitter, and it occurs to me how many of the concepts are transferable.

Maybe this little guide will help you better understand what is really happening in RL via the WoW analogy.

CC

CC commonly mistaken for Crowd Control, is really meant to be Child Control.  It’s it funny how once something is abbreviated we loose the true meaning.  Remember that next time you CC a Gnome… that Gnome is probably shorter than your own broodling.

Feign Death

Apparently working as intended because patch after patch there is no update, but it is really borked. In theory it’s an instant aggro dump, but anyone with a child knows that it has the opposite effect. Play dead and you will have a toddler jumping all over you for hours. They must have found some targeting mod on “Curse you Parents” site.

Distracting Shot

Notice the little mob on your party member, dragging them down one “Why Mum?” at a time? What you going to do? Quick distracting shot then build up the “aggro” to give your party member a chance to recover. Nothing like tanking the little one.

Rolling restarts

Whether this is curious (or knowledgeable) fingers on the PC power button, or just general real life interruptus, children have an incredible ability to effect rolling restarts. Raids, movies, meals, roadtrips. You name it, they can and will reset it.

AFK

Going AFK on a guild raid may prompt a /gkick. Going AFK on your family may prompt a /homekick, or worst case /marriagekick.

Engineering

Kids are master Goblin and Gnome Engineers combined. They challenge the laws of physics with everything they build. There is also a higher than average chance of malfunction. Especially if they have been modifying the DVD or video with toast, slices of ham or bananas.

Alchemy

Like to see things explode? Wonder what happens when you combine two otherwise pleasant ingredients. Leave it to the masters of alchemy. They can turn 6 different clean colors of play dough into one gray ball before you can say “Discovery”.

Magic

My little one is currently fascinated by his master magician father. Dad can make a chicken egg appear and disappear from an egg carton with a few magic words and a flick of the wrist. Problem is that now he chases me around the house asking me to repeat the feat, constantly. Worst, be brings the props (sans egg) and waits expectantly for me to make the egg appear. I made a chick appear the other day… So now he wants me to make the egg appear & hatch!

Mana Shield

Parenting can be like the Mana Shield’s debuff. You might get yourself to full mana after a good night’s sleep, but a few hits from your little mob will leave you drained and dreaming on an instant evocation (stay away from those green mana gems!)

Gold Grinding

To support your raid you find the majority spent on brain numbing gold grinding. No sooner do you grind the gold, than you spend it on over inflated trinkets at the AH. Meanwhile, and much as your raid like appropriate gear and consumables, they don’t appreciate your absence from major guild events.

Ninja Looter

You wait expectantly for the loot, hotdog, icecream, drink. Just as it’s about to hit your hand, your ninja looter child grabs it and runs. Instead you wait patiently for the crumbs of the run.

DE the loot

Worse than the Ninja looting is that most likely your prized loot will be returned to you half eaten, covered in drool and dirt. At this point you need to make the decision to delete it, or take what’s left of it’s value.

Missing Guild firsts

Don’t worry about missing your first Arthas kill.

Do worry about missing your child’s DING!, 1st step, 1st solo run etc.

Non-combat pets

You may not like them, and may have no space to hold them. But explain that to your child. Best case your house becomes filled with fluffy surrogates, worst case you end up with a living breathing, pooping menagerie.

Angry Hordes

Every walked into a room of toddlers? There is no escape. SSO dailies on a PvP realm would be a cakewalk compared to 6+ toddlers vying for the spawns.

Bear Form

As a parent you become a Shapshifting Druid as soon as the child can straddle your back. I want to ride your bear, tiger, horse, seal etc. Constantly, and until I decide to dismiss you.

Summon Mount

Children learn the summon mount skill at birth. From that point onwards they know that a quick wail will save them legging it everywhere and get them access to a variety of very fast mounts.

Firestarter

When they get a bit older, thief fascination with fire is greater than a Gnome Fire Mage’s. Watch out, what starts with flicking matches ends with the destruction of the guild house.

Zone bedroom is under attack

“Zone alert this, zone alert that”. It’s non stop, especially when you have a couple of the little PvP’ers in the house. Be warned, they will leave more traps around the house than a chain trapping hunter.

Consumables.

Want, want, want. Food, drinks, nappies, bandaids. They can consume them faster than you can grind the mats. Notice how they never help grinding the mats? Ohh yeah, the do don’t they, that’s how they level their Alchemy.

Spell Interrupts.

Make sure you have your spell interrupts keybound to a readily accessible key. Once that tantrum begins you need to shut it down before too many of your raid team are incapacitated.

Daily Quest Circuit

Wake child, feed child, cloth child, drop child off, pick up child, repair child, feed child, clean child, sleep child.

Intercept.

Bet you didn’t think you were athletic right? Well not until you see your toddler wobble towards the busy road, ferocious dog, supermarket sweets isle, glassware cabinet etc. That’s when you thank the gods you invested in that intercept talent.

Mana Burn

You think a Priest’s mana burn hurts, wait until you encounter a toddler’s mana burn. They, like their Warlock dots are designed to take you down when you can least afford it. The little buggers will kite you at the same time!

brb bio

Having problems keeping your WoW raid from unscheduled bios. Just wait till you see toilet training.

Soul Shards

The worst part is the way the little warlocks capture your soul and force you to do their bidding. They will twist your soul and turn you into anything they desire, at their whim.

Just for the record.

Arrens informs me that the following forms of CC (Child Control) are unacceptable.

kicking/Kidney shotting a baby is frowned upon. I need more subtle methods.

But that requires smoke bombs which she-who-must-be-obeyed frowns upon. My class is gimped by my damn family!

Undocumented changes?

Tell me, what other WoW skills, talents or situations do you the Blizzard devs derived from RL experiences? Shattered Halls anyone?

Gnomer and Out!

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http://gnomeaggedon.net/2009/03/13/wow-is-like-bringing-up-kids/